Happy Mother's Day!!

I would like to wish my Mom and all the other mothers in my life a very Happy Mother's Day!

It's kind of bittersweet to me.  Being a mother has been the best thing that has ever happened to me.  However, this is the first one I have ever had to spend as a single mother.  It is all still too fresh.

I treated myself to a (free) McDonalds coffee earlier and I just started crying.  The group of seniors in the corner were looking at me funny.  I was just glad there weren't too many people there.

This past week has been kind of hard.  Ethan, who is usually pretty easy for me to deal with, has had a bunch of meltdowns.  I can usually avoid them but I haven't been on my game this week with all that has been going on.

He had a pretty good birthday.  I knew the families probably weren't ready to be together yet, so on E's actual birthday, it was just me, the kids and ex.

And today is Mother's Day and where am I going to end up spending most of it?  At my ex's family's house.  They are also celebrating a few birthdays, including E's and mine.  I have a feeling they are going to try really hard to get us back together.  The church they belong to is all about family but sometimes things happen in families that they just can't go on any more.  I know this.

I am trying not to feel sorry for myself with everything I have to deal with but I can't help it sometimes.  I have to do this all alone, so to speak.  I know I have a lot of support but there are things only I can do.

I shared this picture on Facebook and I'd like to share it here as a reminder that everything is going to be okay, even if things are hard right now:


So for today, I'm going to do a few things I've been putting off.  I already did one (clean the staircase).  I also want to clean the kitchen"office area" and maybe some cupboards.  I probably won't do it perfectly but I'll do what I can because I know it will make me feel better and it won't cost a cent.

The kids were up ridiculously late without me realizing it.  I got up to use the washroom at 2:30 and they were both still up!  I was so tired I fell asleep without making sure they were in bed and ready to sleep.  Ethan often stays up really late because his brain just doesn't shut down (we've talked about this with his doctor and we are supposed to be trying to do a sleep routine for him but it has been really hard lately).  He is productive in this time though.  He has re-coded 4 full games in the wee hours when he isn't able to sleep.  This kid is pretty smart :)

I realize I talk more of E than Shaylee here.  She is such a sweet, smart, kind, girl that everyone loves.  I don't know what I'd do without her.  Everyone says she is the splitting image of me so I guess that is a compliment to both of us :) .  Ethan is a lot to deal with and although it is hard with Shay's anxiety, gluten free diet and some other things, I wouldn't trade these two kids for all the riches in the world.  My kids are everything to me and they make me who I am.  I am proud to be their mother.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my caseworker and hopefully we can finalize my assistance.  I have a few things I need to do before hand and I hope I can cope.  I am really going out of my comfort zone and for a person with debilitating anxiety, in addition to a slew of other mental disorders, it is hard!!!  But it's for my kids sake so I can do it.

New Found Freedom

It has been a little while since I have posted.  I have been through a rough spell.  I alluded to some with vague references to things going on in my life but never really said much.

Well, here it is.  After years of struggling, my husband and I have separated.  It has been one week.

There were a lot of problems, some I would rather not write about here but the main problem that I can share was we didn't love each other as a husband and wife should.  There was a lot of tension and while we may have gotten along well, there was a lot of underlying resentment and there wasn't spousal love.  Every day life was getting miserable and I felt very taken for granted.  We were both depressed.

Finally, I put my foot down and said things need to change.  He wasn't doing anything so I basically had to take matters into my own hand.  I helped him find a place to live that he could afford and gave him the motivation he needed to finally do something.

We are both the type of people who would rather live miserably than take a chance that something good may happen if we do what we want.  Both of us have been burned so many times in life.

So what motivated me to change?  I had a ton of family support.  They knew of the underlying issues and pushed me to finally do something, knowing things just weren't right and I was miserable.  It finally clicked in.  I am 40 (41 next week) and I'm young enough to be happy.  I have a 14 year old son and an 11 year old daughter I need to teach many things to and one of them is to not to feel they have to live unhappily.

They are adjusting very well.  My now ex was a very hard person to live with.  Not abusive but he was loud, singing all the time (loudly and songs no one ever heard of), he overreacted to just about everything and other things.  We are 99.99% sure he's autistic too but even though I encouraged him for the past 10+ years to get tested, he wouldn't so it's on him now.

As for me, it was a little hard at first but I'm adjusting well.  First things first, I had been sleeping on the couch for a very long time so it is super awesome to have a bedroom again!!!  I was finally able to go through my clothes and organize MY bedroom how I wanted and I love it!!!!  Our house is so peaceful, I feel calm and peaceful.  I have tons and tons of paperwork and meetings to deal with as I am applying for social assistance (it would be so hard for me to work as I'm depressed, have tons of anxiety and other issues including health, plus I am the caregiver to my autistic son whom I'm homeschooling.  That has been more taxing these past few years as he goes through puberty).  I am trying to not feel guilty about it but I am in a hardship situation financially right now.

I haven't been doing well with eating.  I have gained a lot of weight from the stress.  Plus right now we are in "celebration season", so many birthdays and Mother's Day is tomorrow.  Ugh.  I've been sick and too tired to walk, just so run down and not sleeping well at night.  I am looking forward to getting things back on track with losing weight.  I have so much to deal with right now that I am just trying my best and not being hard on myself when I can't do as well as I would like.

I have been doing a meal plan, although with things being kind of crazy, it doesn't always work out.  It is nice knowing what we can eat and having everything on hand.  With warmer weather coming, produce should start getting a little cheaper.  It's hard to afford to eat healthy food with picky kids.

I have been cleaning more.  I have been letting go of a lot of things, freeing everything I wasn't able to let go of before, physically and otherwise.  Ex didn't like to get rid of things so there is a lot of junk built up.

I'm learning how to be financially responsible.  I found a financial journal at a yardsale for keeping track of every penny in and out and I have been diligent.  I'm saving all my receipts, keeping track of bills and I plan to be more responsible with money.  One way I cope with things is by shopping and spending money.  I am a bargain shopper and I love the thrill of a good deal so it is a good and bad thing.  Well, we got in a little trouble with that and I ran our credit cards and line of credit up more than I should have.  We should be able to get them under control as I had to withdraw my RRSP, which I'm going to pay on them with.

I also plan to start RESPs for the kids, since I'm not allowed to have much in personal investments.  I wish I had planned more for their futures, although it is still unclear what they want to do at this point.

I am feeling hopeful for the future, although things are still not settled yet.  I plan to get along with my ex.  Even though he hurt me a lot emotionally, I can still be friends with him.  I talk either in person or online most days.  We went out for supper yesterday for my son's birthday and honestly, I was able to talk to him like I did before.  It's not like I broke up with someone I was madly in love with.  We have been emotionally separated for years.  If anything, some of the tension isn't there and I can talk to him a little more easily (it's still early, though).

So that's that.  I feel a little elusive talking to my friends on Facebook or family about it when they ask.  For the most part people are supportive but there are always people can't understand why we separated when we seemed to be good together.  There is often more than people know going on and I know I have learned not to judge.    It was a hard decision to come to but now that we have gone through with it, we all know that it is for the best and I sincerely hope he can learn to be happy and live a life that he loves.

I know I will!

xox

PS- I would like to start to write more in this blog.  I have a lot of things to process and I think it will help.  I need to get back on track with eating and exercising.  I may or may not be low carb.  I want to stick to gluten free to encourage my daughter and to make things easier.  In any case, I'm sure I'll be back, writing up a storm!!