Last Weekend in January

Ack, I forgot to write yesterday.  I was just having one of those days.  I thought of blogging once or twice but in the end, I didn't.

On Friday we went to Barrington as we haven't been anywhere in sooo long.  When we got there, it started snowing.  By the time we left, it was a super slick, blinding blizzard.  It took twice as long as normal to get home and I was terrified the whole time.  The roads were so bad and everything was covered in a foot of white, making it hard to see where the road was.  We were glad when we finally got home!

We ended up going to McDonalds for lunch.  Here's my delicious meal:

Yep, my McDouble with onions, pickles, mustard and cheese and a large coffee, three creams (I got a refill but I drank it black).  Try to ignore the Big Mac and fries across the table.  I had to ignore three of them :( .  Even though it wasn't a lot of food, it was enough.  I felt satisfied and while what everyone else was eating looked good, I wasn't tempted.  I didn't even think about sneaking fries until after when I realized I didn't!  Every little victory is a good one.

I have been contemplating posting about my abstinence on Facebook.  See, my mother in law invites us out most Sundays for supper.  Last week we didn't go because we were tired out but she was making ham that was boiled in pop and fruit juices then glazed with more fruit and juices and sugar.  It sounds delicious but that's too much sugar.   I always feel rude not eating when going to someone's house for a meal but I am determined to stick with this.  

I am at a critical stage where I am early into recovery.  It is not just about weight loss but also about breaking the bonds of food addiction and obsession.  To take away the triggers that lead me to binge while maintaining the delicate balance of still having to eat.

Last night I almost had a break down.  Hubby and I were shopping and it seemed like there was literally nothing I could have.  Walking past isles and isles of junk food, packaged foods, snacks, treats, it was almost overwhelming.  I almost started crying in the ice cream isle.  You may wonder what I was doing there but it also has cereal, frozen fruit and breakfast foods.  It just struck me, I may never eat this again and I felt sad.

What I did was turn away and walk out of that isle as quickly as possible.   It's hard because I need to find things for my family to eat and I especially need snacks for my son who doesn't eat enough and  needs the calories.  I ended up getting him a couple of bags of what we call "Death Popcorn" (jalapeno and cheddar) and some corn nuts that are popped, not fried and non-gmo, and huge.  I think he's tired of peanut butter sandwiches and bananas, but it's so hard to find anything he likes.

I really want to get my family on a paleo diet, especially my daughter.  She is so much like me and can't moderate food well. She always looks like she's going to cry or actually does cry when I say something because she is super sensitive (just like me!) but I am going to have to start putting my foot down more.  I don't want her to go through the problems I have had to face, mainly getting to be as big as I was.

Today I'm hoping will be super low key.  I'm tired  It's dreary out.  I already need a nap and it's only 8am, lol!

Since I didn't post yesterday, I'll write what I ate yesterday and what I plan to eat today:

Saturday Meal Plan:

Breakfast: Black coffee, 1/2 cup egg whites

Lunch: Ham and cheese salad with mayo, leftover soup

Supper: Pork chop sprinkled with garlic and parmesean, roasted garlic and red peppers

Sunday Meal Plan:

Breakfast: bulletproof coffee, 1/2 cup egg whites

Lunch: Cauliflower soup

Supper: If home- Loads of Caprese burger, salad, green beans

              If out-?

Big Whoop

Well, despite my hard work and efforts, I was down only half a pound yesterday.

The part of my brain what wants to indulge in my food addiction and binge is saying, "See, it doesn't really matter what you do, you can't lose weight so you may as well eat!"

The part of my brain that wants to get healthy and not eat badly anymore is saying, "It could be any number of things.  Your period is coming, you're retaining water, your body is still adjusting, too much sodium, no exercise, ect...  It could be anything.  Hang in there and you will eventually get the results you are looking for."

So I'm listening to the healthy part :)

Last night, supper was amazing!  I baked 4 little mounds of cheese so they were pliable and used a couple as taco shells.  They were full of holes and my hands were full of grease, but they were delish!!  Definately somethings I would save as a special non cheat Cheat, if that makes sense.  I'm still in the mind set that I want something special after weigh in but from now on, it will be something on my plan only, but not something I would eat every day.

I want to start exercising.  Really, I do.  This week, my left heel has been hurting so much that I can't even step on it at this point without being in agony.  I have been gingerly walking around to do my daily activities but it's getting worse.  I plan to soak and remove all the dead skin later to see if that helps.

I have also woken up twice now with Charlie horses.  I manage to stretch them out but man, they hurt.  I feel like I'm falling apart at 40.

Today I'm starting my turmeric today.  More specifically, I came up with a weird concoction to drink.  I call it Golden Coffee.  See, usually people take a golden tea, the turmeric and other ingredients in a glass of warmed milk.  I have decided to start drinking cashew milk again (1 carb/cup, 25 calories, no weird ingredients) and I will probably use that, but I really wanted coffee.  I added a teaspoon of coconut oil, a pinch of Himalayan sea salt, a little pepper, a teaspoon of turmeric and a cup of coffee.  Blended in the blender, poured into my mug and topped off with cashew milk.  It's....interesting.  Not the worst but you can't even taste the coffee.  I don't even know what it tastes like, lol!  It's.....interesting ;)  I think I'm going to make some golden paste and maybe I'll make a tutorial when I do.

Now, I don't know what I'm eating today.  Yes, I like to plan but we may possibly be going to a neighboring community about an hour away and will be eating out.  I don't know if it will be lunch or supper.  Maybe I'll call it meal A and mean B so I have an idea.  I also don't know where we're eating but I have come up with plans for our options.

Meal Plan:

Breakfast: Golden coffee, maybe some black coffee, some turkey slices with mayo

Meal A (eating out):

• Option 1: Pizza Delight: Quarter chicken dinner with salad bar, water
• Option 2: McDonalds: Bunless McDouble, large coffee with 3 cream
• Option 3: Subway: one of their salads, water

Meal B: Hamburgers and baked green beans

TOPS Day

Well, today is weigh in at TOPS and I don't know why I'm dreading it.  I hate being hung up on the scale.  I wish I could quit but I'm the leader and the group would fall apart because no one is willing to take the responsibility of leadership.  I know I shouldn't let that affect me so much but I can't help but care about these ladies who have been in my life the past two years.

Yes, this week is my two year anniversary in TOPS. My first year won me second place in my division for weight loss for my province.  Then the next  year, I bombed.  Depression, OCD, so much life happening.  I feel like my life is spent being a pillar of support for everyone around me and I wish I had more support for myself.  I long ago stopped lusting after having time to myself because I basically end up doing what I always do.

But I am woman, I am strong.  I can overcome, I can hold up the world while crying silent tears inside.

The scale did go down a bit this morning probably because of my plumbing, lol!  Man, systems are a go with this way of eating.  Number 2's don't even smell bad and pass so easily.  Viva le fat!

I had a lot on my mind yesterday I wanted to write about today but the thing that's staring me in the face is how well I am resisting temptation.  Literally, I can see 4 big bags of chips from where I am sitting and I am not even tempted.

How can this be?  I'm a food addict.  I always thrived on binge eating.  In the past, I would have ate one of those bags all by myself and hid the evidence, but I'm not going to.  Why?  What got me to this point?

Lots of things.  I have decided I finally want this bad enough.  Yes, all the chips and chocolate in the world will never taste as good as conquering my food addiction does.  I tell myself, just one WILL hurt.  I have to break a lot of bad habits, like taking a swig of milk every time I open the fridge or having a few cookies or chips any time there is an open bag.   And the biggest of all, no chocolate.

A year or even a month ago, I would have told anyone they were crazy for ever suggesting a life without chocolate.  Well, I know what it tastes like.  The actual act of eating it lasts no time at all, unless  you're eating a whole box or a family sized bar.  The feeling you get while eating it does not last and I have never been satisfied with the amount of chocolate I ate.  Ever.  The only time I was when I used to snack on raw cacao nibs and that doesn't count because it's not infused with the pleasure center activating fats and sugars, and probably salt too, the dangerous trio of addiction.

I ask myself, do I want this or need it?  Sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking we really need something when we just want it.  We convince ourselves we will die without it.  That is the addiction talking.

I finally realized the things I needed to so I could move on.  There are things I dread, like eating out and what will I do on vacation, but I will handle it when I get there.  There are always solutions if we are willing to look and be flexible.  I want this to be simple and doable so I can get the addiction under control.

I will post my weigh in deets later.

Supper will be a little treat-ish.  The taco shells are going to be make out of cheese but I know I shouldn't eat too many so I will probably have a couple and taco salad.

Meal Plan:

Breakfast: bulletproof coffee, leftover low carb soup (chicken and sausage)
Lunch: roast pork with greens
Supper: Turkey tacos with cheese shells and salad

Trust The Process

The problem with having a lot of weight to  lose is trusting the process.  It can be hard to be patient, waiting is difficult.

Part of me is fine about how I look, the other is, like, get this weight off me NOW!!  It is frustrating.

Yeah, the scale stayed the same again today.  I know there's a million reasons why, number one is I need to give it time.  My body is doing incredible things inside.  I need to just be patient and not get hung up on the numbers on the scale.  I feel smaller, less bloated, clothes feeling better and that's a good sign!

I need to think of this as a marathon and not a sprint.  I'm in it for the long haul.  I have a broken down metabolism that I need to fix and it won't happen overnight.  I don't want to set myself up for failure in the future by tweaking too hard now.  Clean eating is where it's at.

I'd like to eventually go paleo, but that will be when I am at goal.  I am basically already eating low carb paleo.  Honestly, I'm just trying not to over think things in my daily life and use this blog for all my random thoughts, hahaha!!

Last night the kids had french fries for supper with their hamburgers and I had baked green beans!  I think they would have been amazing if I had allowed them to bake a little longer because the ones that were a little crispy were the best.

I'm sitting here trying to think of what to eat today and it's hard.  I'm tired and while we have many things to eat, I don't know what to have today.  I try to have the biggest meal for when my husband is home and often it is lunch time.  With my son home at lunch, I try to find foods he likes too.

I'm thinking of starting bullet proof coffees again.  I'm not going to go all crazy with the fat, probably just a teaspoon of coconut oil.  We're getting low on butter but I find it's great with just the coconut oil.  It's like a latte even though it is just coffee and fat whirled together.

I also want to start taking turmeric again.  A while back I had what I called my health concoction.  It was turmeric, black pepper (to help the bio-availability of the the turmeric), cinnamon, coconut oil and raw cacao.  It was nice and I know it was helping my health.  I would probably go the golden paste route and have it in cashew or coconut milk.  I'll write more in the future about the amazing things turmeric is good for.

Meal Plan:
Breakfast: 2 eggs, bullet proof coffee
Lunch: fried garlic pork, sauteed spinach, broccoli coleslaw w/mayo
Supper:Left over roast beef au jus, green beans, 1 tbsp cream cheese or some skyr yogurt

Knowing How To Shop

If there is one things you should know about me, it's that I LOVE to shop!  This is good and bad.  I've learned to channel my shopping to getting good deals for things that we need and will use, mainly groceries.

So I was in Superstore today to get one of those burner liners as I was cleaning a big mess on our stove and realized one had disintegrated.  This was the cheapest place to get them, but they didn't have any.

Actually, I had to go back to look for it because I was having soo much fun finding deals.  Here's what I got for under $10:

Okay, deep breaths.  This is a box of lean sirloin burgers, regular $15.99 that I got for the, get this now, 

Super

Low

Price of....

FREE!!

Yatta!  I love stores that have a policy that if the item doesn't ring up on sale, you get it for free.  There is nothing better than free :D .  Now when the rest of the family  has their carby beef burgers, I can have this containing only beef, salt and spices, no fillers.

The yogurt was 50 cents and will be good for my daughter's lunches.  It's usually $3.50 or so when it's not on sale.

The garlic was 49 cents each, usually $6.99.  It is so good and potent.  I absolutely avoid any garlic from China.  I won't go into it here, but if you google it. you'll find out more than you want to know.  

Finally, the turkey slices, 0 carbs and lower sodium.  They are delicious.  They were $5.99 each for 2 for $2.50.  I mean, really?  What a deal!  This will be great for lunches too and just rolling up (like I did this morning with some mayo).

Good deals, sigh, I need a life, lol!

On the weight loss front, well, nothing is happening.  I got on the scale and I was the same weight at I was last Thursday.  I'm sticking to low carbing more rigorously than I have in my life.  I keep telling myself usually after a whoosh comes a stall and it's not a real stall until you can't lose for  longer than just a week (I'd say a month for so, but usually whooshes will come).

I don't want to go all crazy with counting every little thing I eat and tweaking things.  I'm eating clean, keeping my carbs low, 100% avoiding sugar, flour and fillers.  It's the way to go.

I've had exercise on the mind.  I know I need to start but it's hard to get going.  My heels have been killing me the last few days for some strange reason.  A year or so ago I had really bad plantar fascitis and it made everything I had to do on my feet torture.  I know it's not that but I worry about getting it again.  I got it from exercising too much at the time.  I even continued when I was at my worst then left having to crawl around the house.  I literally tortured myself to lose weight and I'm sick of doing that.  

I want to do something I can live with.  I want food I like to eat.  I want movement I can enjoy.  I want to live a life that makes me happy.  I am not in competition with anyone.  Life isn't a race. I need to be the best me so I can be the best for my family.  I want to be a good example to my daughter, who really needs to lose weight too but I don't want her to develop the bad body image I always had.

For the first time in my life, I love how I look.  I think now, at the age of 40, I look better than I ever have in my life.  Yeah, I'm still fat, but confidence makes up for a lot.  A big smile instead of always looking gloomy goes a long way.  A REAL smile, not a fake one, like I spent most of my life wearing.  I don't have a perfect or even a good life in some regards.  But I have a lot of satisfaction knowing I'm a good person and I'm WORTH taking care of.

So even if I don't lose all the weight I want, I can live with myself.  I am feeling better, my clothes are already starting to fit better, it will all come together :D

Today's Menu Plan:

Breakfast: 2 eggs fried in butter, 2 turkey slices with 1 tsp. mayo, black coffee with 1 tsp. coconut oil

Lunch: garlic fried pork, spinach and cauliflower and broccoli

Supper: hamburger patty, baked green beans

snack: skyr yogurt, radishes, 2 turkey slices w/mayo

Amazing Shop Monday

ok, I had things I was going to write about but I am sooo stoked about my shopping trip that I have to write about that first!

Last week, I posted a shopping trip that cost me $35 and I had a good amount of food, not all of it low carb.  Well, this trip is mostly low carb, cost $35 and there is an amazing amount of food.

Voila:

Boom, that's a lot of meat!!

This was bought at Sobeys and I was practically dancing down the meat isle.  Several things were 99 cents a pound!  Most of the rest was $1,99 and the others were $5.49 a pound.  The flavoured meats were buy one, get the second one half off, so even more savings!

Lemme break it down.

• !.99/lbs:
• 3 mumbai chicken breasts (my favourite for making the kids chicken noodle soup)
• 2 pkgs tangy thai pork chops (I've never had it but it was cheap!)
• 3 packs thin cut pork chop

• 99 cents a pound:
• 2 packs of stewing pork
• 1 pack pork riblets

• Pork tenderloin $2.47
• Tub of Skyr Icelandic yogurt (I heard about this a lot when I used to low carb but it's the first time I've ever seen it in a store)  $2.50
• 1/2 ham, Jamie Oliver humanely raised pork  $3.72
• 3 bags of grated cheddar ($1.50 each!)
• 1lbs bag romaine lettuce  $2.00
• Real mayo $2.99
• Bag of pepperoni $2.99
• 1lbs coffee $1.84 (not the best but good enough when you're poor)

It can be very hard to afford to eat meat so it always makes me happy to come upon a food sale like this.

I started taking CLA yesterday.  I bought a few bottle for 99 cents a few months ago.  I was going to wait until I started exercising to take it but upon reading on some low carb sites, I decided that it would be very beneficial to start now.  I am taking 1 1250mg capsule a day for now of the Tonalin CLA and may decide to take more.  I have two or three bottles of 120 capsules and it's best before next year, but I want to stretch it out.

I stepped on the scale and I was up a little but I know that daily fluctuation is a thing.  I am trying to drink more water, as sometimes that helps and it's a good idea not to get dehydrated.

Yesterday, the cauliflower crust pizza I ate for lunch was soooo filling!  I had a little mayo on the side and I think that really helped the fullness factor.  I couldn't even eat supper, although I had a sausage and sauerkraut before my 8pm cut off time so I wouldn't be starving.

I had made a big pot of chicken broth, so I will use that to make a chicken soup for supper.  

Meal Plan:

Breakfast: black coffee, two eggs fried in butter

Lunch: 2 slices chicken pesto cauliflower crust pizza

Supper: Low carb chicken soup

Buckeyes

Note: This was in my drafts from 2009 and I pressed the publish button.  So while it may have nothing to do with Christmas or how I'm eating now, I thought it would be interesting to share :)

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There always seems to be food that we relate to certain holidays. Christmas is no exception and may, in fact, be the worst for food related nostalgia. As you get older, Christmas seems to be more about giving and the food.

Mom always made certain foods that make me think directly of Christmas. Homemade doughnuts is one. She would make batches and batches of them. She would leave some plain and sugar the rest and I think she even made cinnamon ones from time to time. She would store them in 4L ice cream buckets in the freezer and I grew to like them best out of the freezer ;). I loved them best out of the fryer as they were crispy and warm and oh so good!

Another favorite is buckeyes. I have come to learn that they are made differently in some places. I think Mom used to make them with cherries in the middle but eventually stopped and they became chocolate covered peanut butter balls. These too were good from the freezer. Not even frozen food can stop me, lol!

Today I am attempting to make sugarfree buckeyes. I never had a recipe but I found one on Lauren's Healthy Indulgences blog (if you click it, it will take you directly to the recipe). I am making mine a little different. I am using Splenda, for one. I have a big bag that needs to get used up and I want to use it up.

So here is my method:

Mix natural peanut butter and sweetener of choice with vanilla to taste. Chill until it is firm enough to roll into balls. Roll peanut butter mix into balls and chill again. Melt dark chocolate and dip balls into chocolate. Place on a parchment paper or foil lined pan. Chill. Store in fridge or freezer. Yum :)

Voila!

100 posts

As I opened up my dashboard to get ready to write, I noticed that yesterday's post was my 100th!  Whoo hoo!  Here's to a 100 more (and 100 or more pounds to go along with it ;) ).

Emotional things are escalating in my life and I have a feeling there will be huge changes coming up in my life.  It's not something I feel comfortable talking about here at the moment.  I know I am strong and can get through anything.  It is just hard to accept change.

Yesterday for lunch we had roast beef and Oh em GEE!!  It was good.  I think it was the best beef I've had since we bought a quarter beef from a local farmer.  It is really hard to not keep picking at it but I want to get another meal out of it.  Good meat is so precious when you're poor.

Last night I was lazy and we just ate bacon and eggs for supper.  The kids and I polished off a whole 500g package.  Mind you most of it was fat, which I made use of for breakfast this morning.  Bacon and eggs, a perfect meal that I would never tire of.

Today, we had bacon and eggs for breakfast.  It was turkey bacon so I threw some of the bacon grease in the pan to give it some flavour and taste :) .  I also fried the eggs in it.

Lunch will be pizza and supper, who knows.  I'm thinking about stewing a chicken and making some soup.  We're in the middle of a winter storm and there is nothing like a warm soup to warm you up, plus I would make enough for leftovers through the week.

Yes, I feel really focused on food.  If I don't, who knows what I'll do.  I almost popped some crackers in my mouth by habit, and that is only one instance of many yesterday where I almost fell off the low carb train unintentionally.  It makes me realize how conscientious I have to be about what I eat.  Hence the slight obsession.

I stepped on the scale this morning and I was down another 3lbs.  It is an amazing feeling having the weight melt off me while I'm eating low carb and high fat.  I thought the dairy I was having would be a hindrance.  If it is later on, I'll take it out.  It has only been a week and the weight is flying off.  I know it won't always.  Stalls are inevitable so I will take what I can get for now.  I have tools in my arsenal so I won't fail at this and the biggest one of all is that I'm worth it!!!

Meal Plan:
Breakfast: 3 fried eggs, 2 slices of turkey bacon, coffee with cream (picked at some roast beef, had a tablespoon of the "cream cheese" and a bite of regular cheese)
Lunch: Cauliflower crust pesto chicken pizza
Supper: Chicken soup, low carb style

Lazy Saturday

Ah....I wish I could take a deep breath and all my problems disappear.  It's really hard controlling myself not to eat while going through trials and hard times.  I would really, really love for this to be a lazy Saturday but there is never rest for my mind and emotions.

Yesterday the boiled lunch was very yummy.  I boiled the ham then added the vegetables to cook in the broth.   I added whole potatoes (for the others), whole peeled carrots, a chopped up turnip, a small cabbage and a kohlrabi bulb (for me to have instead of the potato, but it was gross cooked like that).  It was delicious!  I only had a small plate and I couldn't even eat it all.  Here's a pic:

For supper, I made homemade pizza for the kids and I had cauliflower crust pizza.  I made and baked the crusts while I made the bread dough for their crust.  On mine, I smeared a little greek yogurt "cream cheese", some pesto, a cut up loads of caprese chicken burger and topped with some grated cheese.  I baked it long enough to melt the cheese.  Oh wow, it was good.  So tasty and filling!  I have some crusts left so I'm sure I'll make it again soon.

Right now I have the roast beef in the crockpot.  It's been cooking all morning and I just turned it off.  I flipped it over as the top looked a little dry and I wanted it to sit in its juices for a while.  I tasted a bit of the fat and swooned.  It's been so long since having a good piece of beef, it's a real luxury.

I'm starting to go through the hungry all the time stage.  I am quite fatigued but I think that's lack of sleep more than anything.  I'm hoping to get through the first month as it's usually the hardest.  After that, unless you cheat, you have the carbs and sugar out of your system and have adjusted.

Today's meal plan:
Breakfast: coffee (one black, one with cream), 1 hard boiled egg, 1 chicken burger patty slathered with mayo, 2 spoons cream cheese (breakfast and snacks; I was up early)
Lunch: Roast beef, green beans, a little buttercup squash, some sugar snap peas
Supper: Bacon and eggs, raw veggies (baby carrots, celery, sugar snap peas or whatever I pick at)

It's Friday

I usually don't care much about the days of the week.  I like the weekends because my daughter is home from school and we can just all chill.

 Did I mention I'm homeschooling my 13 year old son?  (he's on the autism spectrum and junior high was just too much.  He's brilliant and does a lot of self learning, which is good because he's smarter than me, lol!)  It's definitely a different experience having a child in school and one out.

When he was in school, it was nice to have one meal a day to have whatever and not have to worry about making things the kids like, other than packing lunches.  Now it's just another meal to try to accommodate his very particular tastes.  There is a school of thought I can't stand as you can't apply it to all kids.  That's the whole eat what's in front of you.  I cannot do this with him.

A big part of his issues, after social, are sensory.  Textures, smells, tastes, sounds (yes, even the sounds some food make when eating can bother him) and so on affect him.  He has thrown up food he didn't like and I tried making him eat when he was little.  I decided it is just not worth it.

So because of this, there is very litter he likes to eat, even though he has a lumberjack sized appetite.  I try to make meals that have things each person likes, enough to have a full meal.  But usually at lunch, I end up cooking two things.

Anyway, today I'm planning on making something Mom told me she used to make for someone she cared for.  It's like corned beef and cabbage but you use a small toupie style ham instead.  So I'm going to boil the ham I took out yesterday, then add turnip, carrot and cabbage and serve it for lunch.  I'll give my son some of the ham and fixings he likes.  Voila, a meal.

I had the best meal last night.  I knew that I couldn't cheat on my low carb plan so I came up with an amazing dish.  Here's a pic from my phone:

I filled my plate with baby spinach.  I then dabbed about a tablespoon of pesto over it, covered with sliced red peppers, put a tablespoon of cream cheese on the side and topped with a loads of caprese chicken burger that I had baked.  Yum!  Every bite was heaven.  I'd dip my fork in the cream cheese, make sure to have a touch of pesto on the greens and cut off a piece of the meat.   I was stuffed after this.  I had planned to eat two burgers but I saved one to have as a snack before my 8pm eating cut off.  I will definitely make this again!!  I baked the whole pack of burgers so it will be easy to assemble for a quick meal.

I have decided not to count anything this time, calories or carbs.  I am not going to stress, just eat delicious, clean foods. I will read labels and try to enjoy foods in their more natural state over packaged foods.   I am also going to wait a bit before I start exercising.  It's not a race.

Today's meal plan:
Breakfast: 2 or 3 fried eggs
Lunch: Ham corned beef and cabbage
Supper: either cauliflower crust pizza or the same thing I had last night.

My Big Loss!

Ready for it...

I lost....

5.25lbs!

Whoo hoo!  I am so excited, I nearly screamed! Actually, I did scream in the car, lol!

 I was late for the meeting so I had to get weighed after so only my recorder knew, but I can't wait until next week and do it again :D

Now, this puts me at 9lbs lost this year.  I think I'm going to reach 10lbs lost before I realize it!

My first instinct was to go and treat myself to something.  I told myself maybe just a coffee with some cream.  I didn't.  I went to Shoppers instead.  I bought some cartons of cream so I can have it at home.  As much as I'm getting used to drinking black coffee, it's way better with cream.  Plus some other groceries that we needed, like milk and tissues.

I am floating on a cloud, I'm so happy!  I'm stoked to keep going.  I CAN do this!

No Need To Be Fresh!

If you can't go fresh, go frozen!

Every time we have a meal (other than breakfast), at least one of our vegetables are frozen.  The cost of frozen doesn't seem to fluctuate a whole lot and in fact, there are often better sales on frozen vegetables than fresh!

I also find that the price of frozen fruit can't be beat in the winter.   I love having bags of frozen berries on hand.  They make for good smoothies and snacking on.  Right now while I am in weight loss mode, I think I am going to chill on the berries, at least until I start exercising more regularly.  At the moment, food is my only weight loss tool and until I get into ketosis and fat burning mode, I want to be cautious.

I also plan to avoid artificial and even natural sweeteners for the time being, including stevia.  In food addiction/binge eating recovery circles, there is a thing called abstinence, where you avoid things that trigger you to over eat.  Well, every time I failed in the past, it was usually due to trying to have low carb desserts, chocolate and other substitutes.  It makes me kind of sad to give up my beloved, precious chocolate among other things, but I know it will be worth it.  It is not something I need.  I think I may also need to give up nuts for a while.  I cannot self control on them, as you'll see in my next paragraph.  If I can keep the mind set that this is for my good, that I am working on healing and nourishing my body instead of abusing it, maybe I can have more success.

I had a little binge last night.  The story is, I'm trying to not eat after 8pm.  I didn't realize it was after 8 when I went to have a snack and I was starving.  I managed to stave it off with water.  I went to bed around 10:30pm and woke up around midnight, famished.  I figured, hey, it's a new day, I can have something.  I had a hard boiled egg, a handful of roast beef deli meat, some peanuts and a tablespoon of peanut butter.  Urg.  It hit the spot but I know I should not have done it.  I should have drank more water and waited to have breakfast, or even just eat a little less.  Once I got going, I couldn't stop.  I guess the stress in my life is catching up to me.  I will try to be better prepared mentally next time.

This morning, I went shopping.  Now, this is what $35 of groceries budget shopping looks like:

I never thought I'd pay $10 for a roast but here we are.  It was $3.99 a pound, the lowest I've seen in a very long time.  It is very rare for us to have beef so it will be a real treat!  I can't wait to put it in the slow cooker, yum yum!

As you may see, this isn't all stuff I'm going to be eating.  The ice cream bars, brittle and fruit are for the rest of the family since they like treats and it is nice to have something once in a while.  The brittle was marked way down and I know hubby wanted to try it.

Here's a break down:

3 x 2kg bags of frozen veggies (2 California, 1 corn, since that's my son's favourite): $3.99 each

2 tubs greek yogurt "cream cheese", one herb and garlic, one "Everything Bagel": 94 cents each

Beef roast: $10.10

3 red peppers: 99 cents

tray of apples, nectarines and a pear: 99 cents

tray of organic lemons and apples: $1.99

Savoy cabbage: 94 cents

half pound grape tomatoes: 99 cents

bags of brittle: $1.32

Ice cream bars: $2.12

Sometimes I do this type of thinking, would this be enough for me, by myself, to eat for a week.  If I were to replace the foods I could not eat with a couple of dozen eggs and some real butter, probably.  For a family, it's not enough.  The only way I can balance our diet with healthy food is to do lots of little shops to pick up deals.

Today I am getting my official weekly weigh in.  My scale is telling me good news but I want to see what it is at the meeting.  I have decided when I hit a 10lbs weight loss for the year, I am going to buy myself a graphics tablet.  I have yet to come up with other weight loss rewards but I think if I hit 100 pounds lost this year, I will finally bite the bullet and get a tattoo.  I have been wanting one for a long time.

Today, being weigh in, has historically been a cheat day since starting TOPS.  At first it meant eating out but as I was trying to save money, it usually meant homemade pizza or some other special meal at home.  Today, I will be home alone for the first time in a long time.  I was telling myself I deserve to eat out, to treat myself.  I've had a pretty crappy week and I've been good on my diet.

Guess what...I realized as I was trying to rationalize this type of bad thinking that I don't deserve to put bad foods in my body.  I will have something special that is tasty and tell myself that it is worth it in the long run to eat well.  I am planning on having a couple of PC brand "Loads of Caprese" chicken burgers.  Boy, they are tasty and I got them for $1.94 for 6 burgers, regular $12.99!  They are gluten free and have 3g carbs, which are from the cheese, seasonings, vegetables and lemon juice in them (1g of sugar).  I plan to cook the whole package and save the extras to heat for quick meals.

Here is today's meal plan:

Breakfast: 2 fried eggs, 1 black coffee, seaweed, some roast beef deli meat (couldn't resist while making my daughter's lunch!)

Lunch: leftover soup

Supper 2 loads of caprese burgers, salad, mayo

Food Prices

One of the biggest reasons I was hesitant to go low carb again is due to the high cost of food.  It is unreal how much food prices have soared due to the crappy Canadian dollar, droughts, shipping costs and whatever other reasons there are.

Every time we eat a meal, I am mentally calculating how much it costs.  Every time I shop, I hunt the bargains.  I am not fussy and will eat whatever.

Our Walmart converted into a Supercenter just before Christmas.  Right now, as much as I hate it, I am finding the most bang for my buck there.  

All the other stores will mark produce down but by the time they do, it's in pretty sad shape.  Walmart will mark them down a couple of days before the date, plus they have a rack of produce in bags that cost only $1 each!  Plus in general, they have pretty decent prices.

I don't always luck out with good deals but I always make sure to check.  Here are yesterday's good buys:

1lbs bag of radishes $0.97

Large clamshell container of organic baby spinach $2.98 (half price)

3 large avocados $1.00

2lbs bag of baby carrots $2.00

Large english cucumber $1.47 (to compare, these are $3.49 at other stores)

Pork rinds $1.97 (probably not a good idea since I ate the whole bag, lol!)

I also popped into Sobeys to pick up hubby since it was stormy out.  I found a few bargains there too.

3 200g bags of Roast Beef  $0.99 (regular $5.49)
3 small packs of stewing pork $1.99/lbs (I will season this with garlic and bake for supper)
Greenfields Ham $3.49/2lbs pack (regular $9.99, all natural, humanely raised)

I am feeling good eating this way.  I am thinking I can do this.  I'm not really having any cravings or feeling lousy but I'm pretty early into it.  My scale was wrong (I had to re-calibrate it) but I am still down.  My official weigh in will be at TOPS tomorrow.

Today's Menu Plan:

Breakfast: 2 fried eggs, black coffee and a few radishes

\Lunch: Leafy greens, can of tuna, mayo, sauerkraut

Supper: Baked garlic pork, string beans with butter, cucumber slices
Snacks: a bag of the roast beef deli meat, 2 hard boiled eggs
Midnight binge: 1 hb egg, more meat, less than 0.25 cup peanuts, heaping tablespoon natural peanut butter, lots of regret, lol!

Before I go, two things.  I will update my menu plan to reflect what I actually eat so I can better keep track of things.  And secondly, sorry for the crappy pictures.  I'm using my not so fancy HTC phone.  I figure this blog is mainly for myself and it's easier to transfer pics from it so unless this blog somehow goes big (which I doubt!), please put up with my crappy pics ;)

Amazing Soup

I love soup.  It is a good way to use up a lot of ingredients.  I don't think any two of my soups are ever the same and I love that.

My kids have really grown to love my homemade chicken noodle soup.  I think they know when I'm making a whole chicken, we'll probably be having soup the next day.

However, I am giving up the noodle.  I'm fine with it.  It's more for volume than anything, although the kids love slurping it up.  I just love soup, the chicken, the broth, the warmth that's so comforting on a cold winter's eve.

I made my broth as usual yesterday.  I put the carcass of the whole chicken we ate the day before in a big pot and used tons of garlic.  I have some really potent heirloom garlic I found for 49 cents a bag that is so good.  The only other season I used was Farmer John's Savory Sea Salt, a favourite in this house.  It is so good and pairs well with most meats.  It gives chicken noodle soup that distinct taste that makes it just right.  INGREDIENTS: SEA SALT, SAVORY, GARLIC, ONION, PEPPER.  Yum!!!



Now, I knew how I was making soup for the kids, but what was I gonna have.  Mark is happy with whatever.

There was a quarter of a turnip left over, so I used the mandolin slicer to julienne that.  Then I added sliced red onion strips, half a green pepper (julienned) and julienned kohlrabi bulb.  This was another reduced rack find, four kohlrabi bulbs for a dollar and I only needed one.  It is very low in carbs.  I added some gluten free chicken meatballs I had and voila!  We had an amazing soup.

So chicken soup two different ways from one broth.  These are huge bowls, by the way.  Everyone loved it and we were STUFFED when we were done.  Best part, not counting the chicken carcass, this meal cost less than $2.50 and we had leftovers of both soups.  Whoo hoo!

I'm actually going through a really rough time right now.  Last night and this morning, I wanted to binge more than words can say.  I held strong.  I told myself what I already know. I AM Strong!  I can do anything.  I think people think I am a lot weaker than I am and to be honest, I have a lot of times I let myself be weak.  My food issues are one of the biggest.

But I prevailed.  I ate a handful of peanuts.  I tried to eat them slowly to enjoy them, but I just wanted to throw a lot of something (food) in my mouth.  I then tied up the bag and put it away.  I won that battle!

 There will be many more battles to come, especially in the upcoming days.  I don't wish to share the personal nature of my issues but I am fine.  I have learned a lot over the past few years about not internalizing things I don't need to.  I'm not perfect but I can look at what would have been situations I would have lost my mind in in the past and be calm and rational (somewhat).  I am strong.  I am capable.

So today, this is my food plan:

Breakfast: Black coffee, 3 fried eggs \
Lunch: 2 small slices of ham, green beans, sauerkraut, a few peanuts
Snack: large coffee, two creams, half bag of pork rinds (ugh, terrible idea but they were soooo good!!)
Supper: 2 hot dogs, mayo, leafy greens

If I could believe my scale, I'm down 10lbs from last Thursday, but I don't think it's true.  It would be nice.  Even if I lose a few pounds this week, I'll be thrilled.  I lost 3.75lbs last week at TOPS without even trying or exercising.  This week I'm putting effort into it and doing a lot of heavy cleaning so...we'll see.  I don't want to get hung up on the scale.  It's just numbers that show progress.  I want to see the progress on my body, which doesn't always correspond with the scale.  My whooshes are I'll suddenly be down a size or a few inches.  That's what I look forward to :)

Like Riding a Bike

Well, without meaning to, I started to low carb again.  Low carb-ish, I guess.  I was remembering how much I enjoyed it while reading some old posts and thought, hey, why not.  It has always worked.  I am my own worst enemy but maybe this time will be it.  I've done this so many times it's like riding a bike.

 I was planning to go Paleo a while back, but it just never happened.  Food prices are my biggest deterrent but you know, I will manage some how.

Right now it's a big deal that cauliflower is around $8 a head now for conventional.  It's on sale this week 2/$5 at one store but they're out (I must remember to get a rain cheque!).  The frozen bags are often 2/$5 and you don't have waste but there is something about fresh cauliflower that's so good.

Meat prices have become absurd.  I used to pay 99 cents a pound for regular ground beef, which you can't even buy any more.  Now it goes on sale for $5 a pound for lean.  We don't eat beef much, mainly pork and chicken.  I buy when they are around the date and I can sometimes find what I"m looking for at around $1.99 a pound.  Fortunately I have a stash of meat in the freezer I will be able to dip into.

So yesterday I had pumpkin curry soup for lunch.  For supper we had crockpot chicken, turnip, I had a spoon of corn and 1/4 cup of stuffing (not low carb, but I wasn't thinking of that at the time).  After supper I had a banana muffin we made with red fife flour. (again, not thinking low carb).   I don't think I had breakfast, to be honest.

Today, I only had coffee and some seaweed for breakfast.  Lunch was three eggs and I am making chicken soup for supper.   I cooked two heads of cauliflower I bought last week that I was going to make into pizza crusts, but they are in the fridge, draining, for now.  I was just feeling lazy at lunchtime when everyone else had calzones.  I didn't even want them, I was happy with eggs.  Oh, and I also had about 10 peanuts.

Like I said, I'm not going to be perfect.  I'm mostly just trying to get the processed foods out of my life.  I want to eat in a way that I can live with.  I am not going to be hard on myself and I don't want to get crazy with substitution recipes.  If I want something, I'll deal with it at the time.  It may be that I don't eat it, it may be that I do.  I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

One thing I am really trying is not eating after 8pm.  That is very rewarding because when 8pm hits, I know I am not eating anything else for that day.  I can have water and herbal tea, but no food.  I am tempted, oh yeah, so tempted, but it is not impossible.

So I'm taking it one day at a time.  I am tired of how sick the flours and sugars are making me feel.  Fat is where it's at, just not on my body, lol!

Low Carb? Not Quite

Hello, I have not been around in years.  Almost 5, in fact!  Does that mean I have given up on myself?  Nope!

Two years ago, I joined TOPS.  At my most, I lost over 120lbs (not all through TOPS, btw, I just needed a support group so that I wouldn't pile it all back on).  This fall, I managed to put on nearly 50lbs of that back after being put on two antidepressant medications.  I am down about 10lbs of that and working at it.

Some things I have learned about myself in these past few years:

I have binge eating disorder.  I cannot be trusted with some foods as they cause me to eat the whole thing.  For example, chocolate.   When I am in a good frame of mind, I can moderate but the way I am lately, I cannot.  I have to eat the whole bar, whole bag, all of it.  Same with chips, unless I share.  It will be on my mind until I eat it all.  This is not exclusive to junk food.  For example, I ate a whole 1lbs bag of sugar snap peas without realizing simply because I was not being mindful of what I was eating.  This is complicated and I hope to delve more into it in the future.

I am capable of great things.  If I put my mind to it, I can do pretty much anything I want to.

I am lazy.  So lazy.  OMG, I am so lazy.  I do not like to cook, mostly because I forget to take things out, I don't want to do the dishes, ect...

When I was losing weight, I was eating a lot less carbs.  It's a no brainer, less wheat and sugar equals more weight lost.

I am very easily discouraged and become complacent after a certain period of time.  I cannot handle stress and I eat my feelings.  I need to keep my depression and OCD under control or I go out of control.

Right now, I am the leader of my TOPS group.  It makes it harder for me because I feel I have the whole group to support when some weeks I can barely take care of myself.  I also have a lot of life stuff going on that makes life....interesting.

So, should I start blogging again?  I probably should.  There is so much more I want to do into.  A lot of self discovery in this process.  A lot of things I need to work through and writing always helps me out a lot.

\This won't be exclusive to low carbing but maybe just my process in general.  Maybe I should change the name :)