I would like to wish my Mom and all the other mothers in my life a very Happy Mother's Day!
It's kind of bittersweet to me. Being a mother has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. However, this is the first one I have ever had to spend as a single mother. It is all still too fresh.
I treated myself to a (free) McDonalds coffee earlier and I just started crying. The group of seniors in the corner were looking at me funny. I was just glad there weren't too many people there.
This past week has been kind of hard. Ethan, who is usually pretty easy for me to deal with, has had a bunch of meltdowns. I can usually avoid them but I haven't been on my game this week with all that has been going on.
He had a pretty good birthday. I knew the families probably weren't ready to be together yet, so on E's actual birthday, it was just me, the kids and ex.
And today is Mother's Day and where am I going to end up spending most of it? At my ex's family's house. They are also celebrating a few birthdays, including E's and mine. I have a feeling they are going to try really hard to get us back together. The church they belong to is all about family but sometimes things happen in families that they just can't go on any more. I know this.
I am trying not to feel sorry for myself with everything I have to deal with but I can't help it sometimes. I have to do this all alone, so to speak. I know I have a lot of support but there are things only I can do.
I shared this picture on Facebook and I'd like to share it here as a reminder that everything is going to be okay, even if things are hard right now:
So for today, I'm going to do a few things I've been putting off. I already did one (clean the staircase). I also want to clean the kitchen"office area" and maybe some cupboards. I probably won't do it perfectly but I'll do what I can because I know it will make me feel better and it won't cost a cent.
The kids were up ridiculously late without me realizing it. I got up to use the washroom at 2:30 and they were both still up! I was so tired I fell asleep without making sure they were in bed and ready to sleep. Ethan often stays up really late because his brain just doesn't shut down (we've talked about this with his doctor and we are supposed to be trying to do a sleep routine for him but it has been really hard lately). He is productive in this time though. He has re-coded 4 full games in the wee hours when he isn't able to sleep. This kid is pretty smart :)
I realize I talk more of E than Shaylee here. She is such a sweet, smart, kind, girl that everyone loves. I don't know what I'd do without her. Everyone says she is the splitting image of me so I guess that is a compliment to both of us :) . Ethan is a lot to deal with and although it is hard with Shay's anxiety, gluten free diet and some other things, I wouldn't trade these two kids for all the riches in the world. My kids are everything to me and they make me who I am. I am proud to be their mother.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with my caseworker and hopefully we can finalize my assistance. I have a few things I need to do before hand and I hope I can cope. I am really going out of my comfort zone and for a person with debilitating anxiety, in addition to a slew of other mental disorders, it is hard!!! But it's for my kids sake so I can do it.
It's kind of bittersweet to me. Being a mother has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. However, this is the first one I have ever had to spend as a single mother. It is all still too fresh.
I treated myself to a (free) McDonalds coffee earlier and I just started crying. The group of seniors in the corner were looking at me funny. I was just glad there weren't too many people there.
This past week has been kind of hard. Ethan, who is usually pretty easy for me to deal with, has had a bunch of meltdowns. I can usually avoid them but I haven't been on my game this week with all that has been going on.
He had a pretty good birthday. I knew the families probably weren't ready to be together yet, so on E's actual birthday, it was just me, the kids and ex.
And today is Mother's Day and where am I going to end up spending most of it? At my ex's family's house. They are also celebrating a few birthdays, including E's and mine. I have a feeling they are going to try really hard to get us back together. The church they belong to is all about family but sometimes things happen in families that they just can't go on any more. I know this.
I am trying not to feel sorry for myself with everything I have to deal with but I can't help it sometimes. I have to do this all alone, so to speak. I know I have a lot of support but there are things only I can do.
I shared this picture on Facebook and I'd like to share it here as a reminder that everything is going to be okay, even if things are hard right now:
So for today, I'm going to do a few things I've been putting off. I already did one (clean the staircase). I also want to clean the kitchen"office area" and maybe some cupboards. I probably won't do it perfectly but I'll do what I can because I know it will make me feel better and it won't cost a cent.
The kids were up ridiculously late without me realizing it. I got up to use the washroom at 2:30 and they were both still up! I was so tired I fell asleep without making sure they were in bed and ready to sleep. Ethan often stays up really late because his brain just doesn't shut down (we've talked about this with his doctor and we are supposed to be trying to do a sleep routine for him but it has been really hard lately). He is productive in this time though. He has re-coded 4 full games in the wee hours when he isn't able to sleep. This kid is pretty smart :)
I realize I talk more of E than Shaylee here. She is such a sweet, smart, kind, girl that everyone loves. I don't know what I'd do without her. Everyone says she is the splitting image of me so I guess that is a compliment to both of us :) . Ethan is a lot to deal with and although it is hard with Shay's anxiety, gluten free diet and some other things, I wouldn't trade these two kids for all the riches in the world. My kids are everything to me and they make me who I am. I am proud to be their mother.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with my caseworker and hopefully we can finalize my assistance. I have a few things I need to do before hand and I hope I can cope. I am really going out of my comfort zone and for a person with debilitating anxiety, in addition to a slew of other mental disorders, it is hard!!! But it's for my kids sake so I can do it.
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