Last Weekend in January

Ack, I forgot to write yesterday.  I was just having one of those days.  I thought of blogging once or twice but in the end, I didn't.

On Friday we went to Barrington as we haven't been anywhere in sooo long.  When we got there, it started snowing.  By the time we left, it was a super slick, blinding blizzard.  It took twice as long as normal to get home and I was terrified the whole time.  The roads were so bad and everything was covered in a foot of white, making it hard to see where the road was.  We were glad when we finally got home!

We ended up going to McDonalds for lunch.  Here's my delicious meal:

Yep, my McDouble with onions, pickles, mustard and cheese and a large coffee, three creams (I got a refill but I drank it black).  Try to ignore the Big Mac and fries across the table.  I had to ignore three of them :( .  Even though it wasn't a lot of food, it was enough.  I felt satisfied and while what everyone else was eating looked good, I wasn't tempted.  I didn't even think about sneaking fries until after when I realized I didn't!  Every little victory is a good one.

I have been contemplating posting about my abstinence on Facebook.  See, my mother in law invites us out most Sundays for supper.  Last week we didn't go because we were tired out but she was making ham that was boiled in pop and fruit juices then glazed with more fruit and juices and sugar.  It sounds delicious but that's too much sugar.   I always feel rude not eating when going to someone's house for a meal but I am determined to stick with this.  

I am at a critical stage where I am early into recovery.  It is not just about weight loss but also about breaking the bonds of food addiction and obsession.  To take away the triggers that lead me to binge while maintaining the delicate balance of still having to eat.

Last night I almost had a break down.  Hubby and I were shopping and it seemed like there was literally nothing I could have.  Walking past isles and isles of junk food, packaged foods, snacks, treats, it was almost overwhelming.  I almost started crying in the ice cream isle.  You may wonder what I was doing there but it also has cereal, frozen fruit and breakfast foods.  It just struck me, I may never eat this again and I felt sad.

What I did was turn away and walk out of that isle as quickly as possible.   It's hard because I need to find things for my family to eat and I especially need snacks for my son who doesn't eat enough and  needs the calories.  I ended up getting him a couple of bags of what we call "Death Popcorn" (jalapeno and cheddar) and some corn nuts that are popped, not fried and non-gmo, and huge.  I think he's tired of peanut butter sandwiches and bananas, but it's so hard to find anything he likes.

I really want to get my family on a paleo diet, especially my daughter.  She is so much like me and can't moderate food well. She always looks like she's going to cry or actually does cry when I say something because she is super sensitive (just like me!) but I am going to have to start putting my foot down more.  I don't want her to go through the problems I have had to face, mainly getting to be as big as I was.

Today I'm hoping will be super low key.  I'm tired  It's dreary out.  I already need a nap and it's only 8am, lol!

Since I didn't post yesterday, I'll write what I ate yesterday and what I plan to eat today:

Saturday Meal Plan:

Breakfast: Black coffee, 1/2 cup egg whites

Lunch: Ham and cheese salad with mayo, leftover soup

Supper: Pork chop sprinkled with garlic and parmesean, roasted garlic and red peppers

Sunday Meal Plan:

Breakfast: bulletproof coffee, 1/2 cup egg whites

Lunch: Cauliflower soup

Supper: If home- Loads of Caprese burger, salad, green beans

              If out-?

TOPS Day

Well, today is weigh in at TOPS and I don't know why I'm dreading it.  I hate being hung up on the scale.  I wish I could quit but I'm the leader and the group would fall apart because no one is willing to take the responsibility of leadership.  I know I shouldn't let that affect me so much but I can't help but care about these ladies who have been in my life the past two years.

Yes, this week is my two year anniversary in TOPS. My first year won me second place in my division for weight loss for my province.  Then the next  year, I bombed.  Depression, OCD, so much life happening.  I feel like my life is spent being a pillar of support for everyone around me and I wish I had more support for myself.  I long ago stopped lusting after having time to myself because I basically end up doing what I always do.

But I am woman, I am strong.  I can overcome, I can hold up the world while crying silent tears inside.

The scale did go down a bit this morning probably because of my plumbing, lol!  Man, systems are a go with this way of eating.  Number 2's don't even smell bad and pass so easily.  Viva le fat!

I had a lot on my mind yesterday I wanted to write about today but the thing that's staring me in the face is how well I am resisting temptation.  Literally, I can see 4 big bags of chips from where I am sitting and I am not even tempted.

How can this be?  I'm a food addict.  I always thrived on binge eating.  In the past, I would have ate one of those bags all by myself and hid the evidence, but I'm not going to.  Why?  What got me to this point?

Lots of things.  I have decided I finally want this bad enough.  Yes, all the chips and chocolate in the world will never taste as good as conquering my food addiction does.  I tell myself, just one WILL hurt.  I have to break a lot of bad habits, like taking a swig of milk every time I open the fridge or having a few cookies or chips any time there is an open bag.   And the biggest of all, no chocolate.

A year or even a month ago, I would have told anyone they were crazy for ever suggesting a life without chocolate.  Well, I know what it tastes like.  The actual act of eating it lasts no time at all, unless  you're eating a whole box or a family sized bar.  The feeling you get while eating it does not last and I have never been satisfied with the amount of chocolate I ate.  Ever.  The only time I was when I used to snack on raw cacao nibs and that doesn't count because it's not infused with the pleasure center activating fats and sugars, and probably salt too, the dangerous trio of addiction.

I ask myself, do I want this or need it?  Sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking we really need something when we just want it.  We convince ourselves we will die without it.  That is the addiction talking.

I finally realized the things I needed to so I could move on.  There are things I dread, like eating out and what will I do on vacation, but I will handle it when I get there.  There are always solutions if we are willing to look and be flexible.  I want this to be simple and doable so I can get the addiction under control.

I will post my weigh in deets later.

Supper will be a little treat-ish.  The taco shells are going to be make out of cheese but I know I shouldn't eat too many so I will probably have a couple and taco salad.

Meal Plan:

Breakfast: bulletproof coffee, leftover low carb soup (chicken and sausage)
Lunch: roast pork with greens
Supper: Turkey tacos with cheese shells and salad

No Need To Be Fresh!

If you can't go fresh, go frozen!

Every time we have a meal (other than breakfast), at least one of our vegetables are frozen.  The cost of frozen doesn't seem to fluctuate a whole lot and in fact, there are often better sales on frozen vegetables than fresh!

I also find that the price of frozen fruit can't be beat in the winter.   I love having bags of frozen berries on hand.  They make for good smoothies and snacking on.  Right now while I am in weight loss mode, I think I am going to chill on the berries, at least until I start exercising more regularly.  At the moment, food is my only weight loss tool and until I get into ketosis and fat burning mode, I want to be cautious.

I also plan to avoid artificial and even natural sweeteners for the time being, including stevia.  In food addiction/binge eating recovery circles, there is a thing called abstinence, where you avoid things that trigger you to over eat.  Well, every time I failed in the past, it was usually due to trying to have low carb desserts, chocolate and other substitutes.  It makes me kind of sad to give up my beloved, precious chocolate among other things, but I know it will be worth it.  It is not something I need.  I think I may also need to give up nuts for a while.  I cannot self control on them, as you'll see in my next paragraph.  If I can keep the mind set that this is for my good, that I am working on healing and nourishing my body instead of abusing it, maybe I can have more success.

I had a little binge last night.  The story is, I'm trying to not eat after 8pm.  I didn't realize it was after 8 when I went to have a snack and I was starving.  I managed to stave it off with water.  I went to bed around 10:30pm and woke up around midnight, famished.  I figured, hey, it's a new day, I can have something.  I had a hard boiled egg, a handful of roast beef deli meat, some peanuts and a tablespoon of peanut butter.  Urg.  It hit the spot but I know I should not have done it.  I should have drank more water and waited to have breakfast, or even just eat a little less.  Once I got going, I couldn't stop.  I guess the stress in my life is catching up to me.  I will try to be better prepared mentally next time.

This morning, I went shopping.  Now, this is what $35 of groceries budget shopping looks like:

I never thought I'd pay $10 for a roast but here we are.  It was $3.99 a pound, the lowest I've seen in a very long time.  It is very rare for us to have beef so it will be a real treat!  I can't wait to put it in the slow cooker, yum yum!

As you may see, this isn't all stuff I'm going to be eating.  The ice cream bars, brittle and fruit are for the rest of the family since they like treats and it is nice to have something once in a while.  The brittle was marked way down and I know hubby wanted to try it.

Here's a break down:

3 x 2kg bags of frozen veggies (2 California, 1 corn, since that's my son's favourite): $3.99 each

2 tubs greek yogurt "cream cheese", one herb and garlic, one "Everything Bagel": 94 cents each

Beef roast: $10.10

3 red peppers: 99 cents

tray of apples, nectarines and a pear: 99 cents

tray of organic lemons and apples: $1.99

Savoy cabbage: 94 cents

half pound grape tomatoes: 99 cents

bags of brittle: $1.32

Ice cream bars: $2.12

Sometimes I do this type of thinking, would this be enough for me, by myself, to eat for a week.  If I were to replace the foods I could not eat with a couple of dozen eggs and some real butter, probably.  For a family, it's not enough.  The only way I can balance our diet with healthy food is to do lots of little shops to pick up deals.

Today I am getting my official weekly weigh in.  My scale is telling me good news but I want to see what it is at the meeting.  I have decided when I hit a 10lbs weight loss for the year, I am going to buy myself a graphics tablet.  I have yet to come up with other weight loss rewards but I think if I hit 100 pounds lost this year, I will finally bite the bullet and get a tattoo.  I have been wanting one for a long time.

Today, being weigh in, has historically been a cheat day since starting TOPS.  At first it meant eating out but as I was trying to save money, it usually meant homemade pizza or some other special meal at home.  Today, I will be home alone for the first time in a long time.  I was telling myself I deserve to eat out, to treat myself.  I've had a pretty crappy week and I've been good on my diet.

Guess what...I realized as I was trying to rationalize this type of bad thinking that I don't deserve to put bad foods in my body.  I will have something special that is tasty and tell myself that it is worth it in the long run to eat well.  I am planning on having a couple of PC brand "Loads of Caprese" chicken burgers.  Boy, they are tasty and I got them for $1.94 for 6 burgers, regular $12.99!  They are gluten free and have 3g carbs, which are from the cheese, seasonings, vegetables and lemon juice in them (1g of sugar).  I plan to cook the whole package and save the extras to heat for quick meals.

Here is today's meal plan:

Breakfast: 2 fried eggs, 1 black coffee, seaweed, some roast beef deli meat (couldn't resist while making my daughter's lunch!)

Lunch: leftover soup

Supper 2 loads of caprese burgers, salad, mayo